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about anger
Nov. 5th, 2023 03:48 amIt's currently a little before 4am, when I finish this it will probably be past 5. I spent a good part of my night scrolling through my social media, not surprisingly, filled with posts about the age-old genocide happening in Palestine, and the endless bombings happening right now in Gaza.
This isn't surprising not only because this is a widely talked topic right now, but also because I specifically keep inviting these posts into my feed. Liking, sharing, telling all algorithms possible that this IS what I want to see. And well, it is, but it isn't. It hurts to know this is happening, it hurts to spend my day receiving news about the newest atrocity involved in this whole situation, it hurts to know the most I can do is donate some measly amount of reais in the hopes it will pay of someones meal, it hurts to know this isn't the only case of genocide happening right this moment, and it hurts to know that I know almost nothing about the other ones, it hurts to know that even once I learn about them I'll also be equally useless for those situations. But if I can do so little, shouldn't I at least bear witness? If thousands of people are being killed shouldn't I at least hear their cries, learn their names, stand sleepless at night thinking about them? It's what I'd want for myself, so I need to do it for them too.
Although I understand my wish to not see so much about this situation anymore, I'm angry that I want to even stop doing that. I've been so useless, but I still want to commit the cowardice of averting my eyes. Even though I know nothing will chance, even though I know it will just to be me taking advantage of my separation from the whole situation to make myself feel better while people grieve their loved ones and fear for their lives. I don't think it's fair, but of course it isn't.
I say this, but I understand that this is exactly what I have been doing with every other similar issue that I know of. There are so many of them, and I know so little about each. If it's my duty to at least bear witness and do what I can, then I've been completely failing, in fact, there's no hope for me to ever succeed. One can see this as a reason to not worry so much, and maybe one would be right, but I can't help but be pissed. It feels like the bare minimum so why is it impossible for me to do it? It's not about what's right it's about me WANTING to honor these people's lives, why can't I do that? Why do I need to pick and choose which ones I'll do it to? How do I even choose?
It's so hopeless. As in truly hopeless. I either give up, or live forever dissatisfied. Since before I was born until after I die, all of these will still be issues. I'll never see a just world and that pisses me off. It makes me want to kill myself, and that pisses me the FUCK off. How selfish is it that I want to escape because I'm too much of a coward to witness OTHER PEOPLE'S suffering?
I understand this is meaningless, in the end I'll accept that I'll be only a small part of the project I want to be done, a project I'll barely see the results of, but why is that part so small? It annoys me so much when people call be a liberal and I pretend to not understand why they'd do that.
"I've been working so hard to learn, how can they still say that?"
But I know it's just a reflection of my own mistake. My friends still call me a liberal because I'm still behind them, because I still am a liberal. I've been doing so much, but is THIS really my best? It's so little. Everyone is going so much faster than me, and I know I could go faster, but I also know it's not as simple as just doing it. In the end, I know I'm already late, I can't catch up. It's so hopeless.
It's all so fucking hopeless. It's so fucking frustrating. It pisses me off so much. Especially that in the end I can't help but think about of it this from MY perspective, when it's one that matters so little. I'M FUCKING FINE! MY LIFE IS FUCKING GREAT! WHO THE FUCK CARES IF I'M ANGRY?????? PEOPLE ARE DYING AND I'M SORRY FOR MYSELF FOR BEING FUCKING ANGRY?????????????????? WHY AM I EVEN WRITING THIS AS IF ANYONE WANTED TO FUCKING KNOW?????????????????????????
Anyways, I'm going to try and learn. Try and find whoever is going to kill Benjamin Netanyahu or Joe Biden, and pray my small little donation can help them get the job done. Pray that this serves as a wake up call so that the excuse for a country that is the USA can finally fall with its little dog Israel and that it will trickle down until the Federative Republic of Brazil follows suit. I'm so done and I hope I stay done forever. I hope this anger guides me to the day I'll at least see this small step happen. Past the river, past the sea.
This isn't surprising not only because this is a widely talked topic right now, but also because I specifically keep inviting these posts into my feed. Liking, sharing, telling all algorithms possible that this IS what I want to see. And well, it is, but it isn't. It hurts to know this is happening, it hurts to spend my day receiving news about the newest atrocity involved in this whole situation, it hurts to know the most I can do is donate some measly amount of reais in the hopes it will pay of someones meal, it hurts to know this isn't the only case of genocide happening right this moment, and it hurts to know that I know almost nothing about the other ones, it hurts to know that even once I learn about them I'll also be equally useless for those situations. But if I can do so little, shouldn't I at least bear witness? If thousands of people are being killed shouldn't I at least hear their cries, learn their names, stand sleepless at night thinking about them? It's what I'd want for myself, so I need to do it for them too.
Although I understand my wish to not see so much about this situation anymore, I'm angry that I want to even stop doing that. I've been so useless, but I still want to commit the cowardice of averting my eyes. Even though I know nothing will chance, even though I know it will just to be me taking advantage of my separation from the whole situation to make myself feel better while people grieve their loved ones and fear for their lives. I don't think it's fair, but of course it isn't.
I say this, but I understand that this is exactly what I have been doing with every other similar issue that I know of. There are so many of them, and I know so little about each. If it's my duty to at least bear witness and do what I can, then I've been completely failing, in fact, there's no hope for me to ever succeed. One can see this as a reason to not worry so much, and maybe one would be right, but I can't help but be pissed. It feels like the bare minimum so why is it impossible for me to do it? It's not about what's right it's about me WANTING to honor these people's lives, why can't I do that? Why do I need to pick and choose which ones I'll do it to? How do I even choose?
It's so hopeless. As in truly hopeless. I either give up, or live forever dissatisfied. Since before I was born until after I die, all of these will still be issues. I'll never see a just world and that pisses me off. It makes me want to kill myself, and that pisses me the FUCK off. How selfish is it that I want to escape because I'm too much of a coward to witness OTHER PEOPLE'S suffering?
I understand this is meaningless, in the end I'll accept that I'll be only a small part of the project I want to be done, a project I'll barely see the results of, but why is that part so small? It annoys me so much when people call be a liberal and I pretend to not understand why they'd do that.
"I've been working so hard to learn, how can they still say that?"
But I know it's just a reflection of my own mistake. My friends still call me a liberal because I'm still behind them, because I still am a liberal. I've been doing so much, but is THIS really my best? It's so little. Everyone is going so much faster than me, and I know I could go faster, but I also know it's not as simple as just doing it. In the end, I know I'm already late, I can't catch up. It's so hopeless.
It's all so fucking hopeless. It's so fucking frustrating. It pisses me off so much. Especially that in the end I can't help but think about of it this from MY perspective, when it's one that matters so little. I'M FUCKING FINE! MY LIFE IS FUCKING GREAT! WHO THE FUCK CARES IF I'M ANGRY?????? PEOPLE ARE DYING AND I'M SORRY FOR MYSELF FOR BEING FUCKING ANGRY?????????????????? WHY AM I EVEN WRITING THIS AS IF ANYONE WANTED TO FUCKING KNOW?????????????????????????
Anyways, I'm going to try and learn. Try and find whoever is going to kill Benjamin Netanyahu or Joe Biden, and pray my small little donation can help them get the job done. Pray that this serves as a wake up call so that the excuse for a country that is the USA can finally fall with its little dog Israel and that it will trickle down until the Federative Republic of Brazil follows suit. I'm so done and I hope I stay done forever. I hope this anger guides me to the day I'll at least see this small step happen. Past the river, past the sea.