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xx_gothaggot_xx) wrote2024-02-18 04:07 am
xx_gothaggot_xx) wrote2024-02-18 04:07 am
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I've found the structure of "childhood"
"childhood" is a personal project I've been working on in some capacity for around two years now. Originally meant to be a concept album, it ended up becoming an EP when I discarded the needless junk. Its purpose is intact, though. Pessimistic, whiny, resentful, egotistical, it serves as a representation of all the parts I hate most of myself, the ones I've come to deem as childish. Rarely do these songs offer a healthy conclusion to their own problems. My own special form of self-flagellation, I guess.
The asterisks in the title are a somewhat cheesy, but easy way to indicate how this project isn't directly about childhood, but about childhood as a much looser concept: "The characteristic of what is childish", instead of "The developmental period between 3 and 13, in which a person is considered a child". This is important, considering many of the themes addressed by it can stay relevant until adulthood, as they have for me.
It is composed of six tracks:
1-) Codename: prayer | not started
This one is only real in concept. An honest expression of devotion to God. No sarcasm or twist, simply the christian anthem I dreamed of creating ever since I learned what music is. I find this the necessary start to this EP because it expresses the concept I devoted my entire childhood to, and also the one that robbed me of it.
2-) Parasite (No Matter What) | revision pending
A song about accepting abuse in exchange for life, about loving one's abuser and feeling like one owes them one's whole being. Although the song itself applies the concept onto a romantic relationship (as to initially mask itself as a normal love song to only later reveal its true themes. Cheesy, but fun), in the end the feeling described is one I developed at an early age towards my parents.
3-) Indulge | revision pending
Probably the most directly childish song in the project. It is about indulging in toxic behavior out of spite. Its a song that doesn't attempt to be creative or artsy in any aspect, instead trying to be fun and full of rage. It's what this indulgence is about at the end of the day.
4-) Vessel | incomplete
A song about wanting to give up on one's dreams out of envy for someone who has already reached them and, instead, wanting to be consumed by that one-sided rival. Probably one of the most painful ones for me, envy is one of my biggest deadly sins.
5-) Midnight Sun | incomplete
The first track meant to transition into "adulthood". It is about falling out of faith. Although its theme is not directly childish, in fact leaving religious delusion behind is an act that I'd usually describe as mature, but this song's pessimistic perspective doesn't characterize the ending that I want for this subject. Its written from the perspective of someone who is still traumatized and resentful.
6-) Childhood | not started
The second transitional track, and the first one meant to take a mature perspective. Its about ending one's "childhood" and becoming an "adult", about picking up the loose threads and sewing them into a mantle that is actually beautiful.
I hate thinking about childhood, because I hate being childish. I hate making "childhood", because its an exercise in torturing myself with what has become the biggest theme of my life. I'm tired of being a child, but I need to start with it before I become an adult.
And as a child, I want to be an adult so so bad.
The asterisks in the title are a somewhat cheesy, but easy way to indicate how this project isn't directly about childhood, but about childhood as a much looser concept: "The characteristic of what is childish", instead of "The developmental period between 3 and 13, in which a person is considered a child". This is important, considering many of the themes addressed by it can stay relevant until adulthood, as they have for me.
It is composed of six tracks:
1-) Codename: prayer | not started
This one is only real in concept. An honest expression of devotion to God. No sarcasm or twist, simply the christian anthem I dreamed of creating ever since I learned what music is. I find this the necessary start to this EP because it expresses the concept I devoted my entire childhood to, and also the one that robbed me of it.
2-) Parasite (No Matter What) | revision pending
A song about accepting abuse in exchange for life, about loving one's abuser and feeling like one owes them one's whole being. Although the song itself applies the concept onto a romantic relationship (as to initially mask itself as a normal love song to only later reveal its true themes. Cheesy, but fun), in the end the feeling described is one I developed at an early age towards my parents.
3-) Indulge | revision pending
Probably the most directly childish song in the project. It is about indulging in toxic behavior out of spite. Its a song that doesn't attempt to be creative or artsy in any aspect, instead trying to be fun and full of rage. It's what this indulgence is about at the end of the day.
4-) Vessel | incomplete
A song about wanting to give up on one's dreams out of envy for someone who has already reached them and, instead, wanting to be consumed by that one-sided rival. Probably one of the most painful ones for me, envy is one of my biggest deadly sins.
5-) Midnight Sun | incomplete
The first track meant to transition into "adulthood". It is about falling out of faith. Although its theme is not directly childish, in fact leaving religious delusion behind is an act that I'd usually describe as mature, but this song's pessimistic perspective doesn't characterize the ending that I want for this subject. Its written from the perspective of someone who is still traumatized and resentful.
6-) Childhood | not started
The second transitional track, and the first one meant to take a mature perspective. Its about ending one's "childhood" and becoming an "adult", about picking up the loose threads and sewing them into a mantle that is actually beautiful.
I hate thinking about childhood, because I hate being childish. I hate making "childhood", because its an exercise in torturing myself with what has become the biggest theme of my life. I'm tired of being a child, but I need to start with it before I become an adult.
And as a child, I want to be an adult so so bad.