life is overwhelming
Apr. 12th, 2025 12:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xx_gothaggot_xxMy first actual single as aira_riri, "vessel", is going to drop later this month, and it's not so surprising that this is stressing me out quite a bit. Truth is, I'm not too sure how proud I am of it. I spent more than a year at this point altering and refining it, but the more I listen to more I think something is missing, that the whole basis of it is flawed, that the things I was too lazy to change are the exact ones I should have focused on all along.
I don't consider myself to be a great composer, writer, or producer, much less a great musician. These are forms of art that have been in the background of my mind ever since I was born. I still remember the melodies and lyrics I wrote when I was 10 or 12, the feeling of losing myself in song during service at church. It has always been one of my dreams, making music, even as part of my other artistic projects, so getting to a point in which I can make full-on songs, commercially releasing them, uniting them inside an album; That is already a dream come true, but I can't help but feel like I'm embarrassing myself.
There aren't many people aside from my closest friends willing to give my stuff a listen, and I rather much get it. I hear vessel and can't help but feel like it's not really all that fandom worthy. It doesn't touch me, it doesn't impress me, not anymore. I feel like I've moved past it, but I'm only able to release it right now, and I do have to. I've producing music for years and still I've barely any finished results to show for it. I'm trying to follow the ideal of "prove you can do it before proving you can do it well", but my ego is suffering a lot for it. I see all my inspirations, all the amazing creative musicians I take from and can't help but see how I'm simply not good enough to do what they do, at least not yet.
This is rather overwhelming, in big part because I feel insufficient in so many other ways too. I'm not well-read enough, not diligent enough, not empathetic enough, not socially aware enough, not hot enough; I'm not actually good enough at anything, really. Maybe no one is, but I wouldn't know that. I'm not bad, I think, I'm just mediocre, and it's rather embarrassing to have to admit, but I dread it. I can't just be mediocre. All of this matters so much to me, I need to at least be good. At least at art. That's all I need, to know the art I put out is good. To look at it and judge for myself that it's indeed good. I can't hear it from anybody else, it's comforting, but not assuring, it feels fake, even when it isn't, because I'm the one who should be calling it good, and I'm not.
Fuck, how many times did I use the word I? 46 so far, damn...
I need to think about myself less, maybe. I don't know. fuck you. fuck revising this shit. I'm going to sleep.
I don't consider myself to be a great composer, writer, or producer, much less a great musician. These are forms of art that have been in the background of my mind ever since I was born. I still remember the melodies and lyrics I wrote when I was 10 or 12, the feeling of losing myself in song during service at church. It has always been one of my dreams, making music, even as part of my other artistic projects, so getting to a point in which I can make full-on songs, commercially releasing them, uniting them inside an album; That is already a dream come true, but I can't help but feel like I'm embarrassing myself.
There aren't many people aside from my closest friends willing to give my stuff a listen, and I rather much get it. I hear vessel and can't help but feel like it's not really all that fandom worthy. It doesn't touch me, it doesn't impress me, not anymore. I feel like I've moved past it, but I'm only able to release it right now, and I do have to. I've producing music for years and still I've barely any finished results to show for it. I'm trying to follow the ideal of "prove you can do it before proving you can do it well", but my ego is suffering a lot for it. I see all my inspirations, all the amazing creative musicians I take from and can't help but see how I'm simply not good enough to do what they do, at least not yet.
This is rather overwhelming, in big part because I feel insufficient in so many other ways too. I'm not well-read enough, not diligent enough, not empathetic enough, not socially aware enough, not hot enough; I'm not actually good enough at anything, really. Maybe no one is, but I wouldn't know that. I'm not bad, I think, I'm just mediocre, and it's rather embarrassing to have to admit, but I dread it. I can't just be mediocre. All of this matters so much to me, I need to at least be good. At least at art. That's all I need, to know the art I put out is good. To look at it and judge for myself that it's indeed good. I can't hear it from anybody else, it's comforting, but not assuring, it feels fake, even when it isn't, because I'm the one who should be calling it good, and I'm not.
Fuck, how many times did I use the word I? 46 so far, damn...
I need to think about myself less, maybe. I don't know. fuck you. fuck revising this shit. I'm going to sleep.
